If You Can Dodge A Wrench....

The 18-year-old Super Ninja

Last weekend my dodgeball team kicked ass participated in the Average Joe Sports Club winter dodgeball tournament.

Yes, I play dodgeball.  No need to keel over laughing, I'm actually semi-awesome.  And by "semi-awesome" I mean, I'm usually good for one "holy-shit-where-did-that-come-from" play per game.  The rest of the time I pretty much suck. 

Our team was appropriately named Moves Like Jagger, and featured the owner of Average Joe's, a former dodgeball ref, an 18-year-old super ninja, Wonder Twins,  Wonder Woman, and a ringer the size of a Giant!

Obviously we entered the tournament feeling really good about our chances.

But then, we lost our first 4 games by a combined score of 57-8.  Yeah, we were that good.  I suppose if I had to do it over again, I should have called the team Moves Like Jabba.

Despite opening the tournament 0-4, we actually made the playoffs!  Don't ask.

We managed to win our opening playoff game before dropping the bronze medal game 10-5 .  Yes, we played in the bronze medal game.  Again, don't ask.

However the story of the weekend wasn't our record, it was the amount of injuries suffered on the day.  There was a blown out knee, a pulled groin, a busted lip, a torn shoulder, several balls to the face, and 9 really sore arms.  Come to think of it, that sounds like a good day to me!

Team Awesomeness

Let's Get Caught Up....

I know it's been a while, and maybe, you've even wondered where I've been.  The truth is, I've been enjoying life.  To say that the last half of 2011 has been exciting would be an understatement.  You see, I managed to squeeze four major events into a very short 6 month period.  Life changing events!  Events that most people tend to spread out over years.  

But not me and TC!  Nope.....we prefer to get them all out of the way at once.

I'm sure you'd like to get all caught up, so let's not waste any more time.

Natalie Jewel

First Ever Picture of Natalie Jewel

In July of last year, TC and I gave birth to a wonderful little girl - Natalie Jewel.  Well, to be fair, TC did all the hard work.  Basically I just stood there and watched.  And fetched her the occasional grape Popsicle.  But mostly, I just watched.

This is the fourth kid for me, and I think I may have got it right this time.  I think.

I'm teasing of course.  Kids 1 thru 3 are a'ight.

Princess Natalie is the first child for TC and I together.  She wasn't planned, and if I'm being honest, I was a wee bit panicked about starting over with diapers and Treehouse (my youngest was already a teenager when Natalie was born - the oldest was 20).  But now, I can't imagine my life without her.  Watching her learn and experience new things has been awesome.

I love coming home, calling out, "Allo Baby!", in my kick ass English accent, and watching her smile and bounce and kick cuz' she's excited to see her Daddy. My absolute favourite though is when she falls asleep with her head on my shoulder. I could cuddle her like that forever.

I don't love her more than I do my other kids, but, I am enjoying it more this time if that makes any sense.  I don't know if it's because I'm older and more mature (but let's be honest, I'll still get Natalie to pull my finger), more patient, or perhaps it's TC, my partner in parenting, but raising a baby seems a lot more enjoyable to me than it did 14 years ago.

And if my kids are reading this, and I know you are, I said, "I DON'T LOVE HER MORE THAN I DO MY OTHER KIDS".  Although, the Screaming Baby is a hell of a lot cuter than you ever were.  Just sayin'.

It wouldn't surprise me to find out this kid is going to change the world.  She's already changed mine.

New Job

In May of 2011 I finally managed to get out of the shit-hole I was working in.  The job was awful.  I felt trapped and tried desperately to get out.  The only thing keeping the owners of this craptastic company from turning it into a third world sweat shop are the nuisance labour laws we have here in Canada.  I will be devoting an entire blog post to this crap-fest in the very near future so stay tuned.

Now, I'm working for great people!  The commute is a little longer, but it's worth it. I'm treated with respect, my ideas are valued, and the work I do is appreciated.  I'm making a difference, and at the end of the day I feel like I've accomplished something. 

Engagement

In September, TC and I officially got engaged.  Way back, we had our very first date down at the beach front - we went for ice-cream and a walk, and slowly started to get to know one another.  So, it seemed somewhat appropriate to head down to the beach to pop the question.

Truth be told, after I picked up the ring, I didn't want to wait (nor spend the time required) to set up something elaborate, so I improvised.  I think it was a romantic moment - but maybe you should ask TC.

The important thing is - she said yes!

New House

In October, we took possession of our new house.  Yes, we finally managed to unload the unsellable house!  How did we do it?  With a new agent!

After some not so subtle prodding from TC, we switched agents, listed our house in September, and sold it five days later!  We had previously been listed from January to June and didn't get one offer.

Now I know what you're thinking - it may not have been the agent, it could have been a fluke.  And yes, I would have been inclined to agree with you.  Except, the deal fell apart, and we had to go back on the market.  Incredibly, our agent sold our house again two days later!

So let this be a lesson to you - YOUR REAL ESTATE AGENT DOES MATTER!  Remember this when I get my real estate license.

So, TC and I moved into our new house at the end of October and we couldn't be happier.  Everybody has their own bedroom, we went from one bathroom to three, and we finally have the rec room we so desperately needed. 

I'm no longer being subjected to Hannah Montana, Zach & Cody, or any of the other mind-numbing crap that spews out of the Family Channel.

How do you spell freedom?  N-E-W H-O-U-S-E!

So there you have it - 4 life altering events in 6 very short months!  Whew....I need to catch my breath.

Except.....there is that little matter of a wedding to deal with.

Selling the House - or not.

You may have noticed that I have been inexplicably absent from the blogosphere over the last few months, and I'm sure you've been wondering, what the hell has been going on with The Screaming Meanie?

I'm prepared to answer that very question.  This is the first in a line of posts that will chronicle, "The Missing Months".

This first story is about the misadventures of trying to sell our house.

After TC and I found out she was with child, we decided that the house we were living in probably wasn't big enough.  With the help of our awesome families, we got the house ready to list and our tiny little love shack hit the market in mid-January. 

Shortly after the listing hit MLS, we began showing the house.

And we showed it.  And we showed it.  And we showed it some more.

There seemed to be no lack of interest in seeing our ghetto-fabulous house, so we sat back and waited for the offers to roll in.

And we waited.  And we waited.  And we waited some more.

Sadly, nobody seemed to like our little house enough to put an offer in.

So, we dropped the price of the house.

Then we dropped the price again.  Dropped it again.  And dropped it again.

The excuses for not wanting our house were plentiful.  The bedrooms were too small.  The stairs to the basement were too steep.  The stairs going upstairs were too narrow.  The people looking were too tall (no joke).  Too fat (I couldn't make this one up). Too picky.

And of course, there was the leaky basement.  A small trickle of water that was seeping in from the outside wall and emptying into the drain was turning folks off.  And really, I don't blame them.  I wouldn't want to buy a house with water in the basement either.  So, we got a quote to have the basement waterproofed.  We told prospective buyers that we would either fix the basement as a condition of sale, or knock the price of the estimate off the house. 

There was one douchebag who said he wanted to see what was under the sub-floor in the basement.  He asked if we would be willing to tear up the floor so he could make sure there was concrete underneath before he would put in an offer.  Hell, after 5 months on the market, I would have licked the floor clean if I thought it would help sell the house.

So I spent 3 days tearing down a wall, tearing up the floor, removing the rubble, and cleaning the floors. 

An offer was imminent. 

Except, for that it wasn't.  The bastard changed his mind and decided that he was going to put an offer on another house.  Sunnuva!!!

I was pissed!  All that work for some asshole to decide he liked another house better.  He gave every indication to our agent that he was serious about buying our house.  If I had known he was simply kicking tires I would have told him to get stuffed when he made the request.

*sigh*

Live and learn I guess.

After almost 6 frustrating months on the market, we were getting close to TC's due date.  We talked about it and decided that it was going to be too much work for her to get the house ready for showings while trying to take care of a newborn baby.

So we pulled the plug and took our miniature house off the market. 

We're planning to update the floors throughout the house, add some fresh paint, maybe look at adding a driveway and perhaps update the bathroom.  Depending on when (or if) these things get done, we may re-list in the fall, or wait until next spring.

I've never sold a house before, and I've learned that it's a great big pain in the ass.  It was a frustrating experience for both of us.  People would give us two hours notice before viewing the house, they'd leave lights on, their agents wouldn't give us feedback - it just sucked. 

I'd like to think that things will be different when we put the house back on the market, but if this experience has taught me anything, it's that buyers aren't realistic.  Our house was listed in the low $120's, and we had people coming through expecting to find the luxuries and amenities of a house that would list for over $300k.

Please feel free to comment on your selling horror stories - I want to feel better about mine.  Heh heh.

Stories from 2010: Natalie Jewel

TC was the best thing that happened to me in 2010 - there is no doubt about that.

But the greatest joy that was brought to my life in 2010, is being delivered to me by TC in 2011.  For those of you who don't know, TC and I are having a baby girl sometime this summer - she's due July 2nd.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, we've been together for less than a year.

TC and I didn't plan this, it just sort of.........happened.

It's funny because TC didn't want to have children.  And with 3 kids in my stable already, I didn't really want to have anymore either.  In fact, I had been to see my family doctor about getting a vasectomy and had been referred to a urologist.  Alas, before the urologist could do his best work, I did my best work.

So, rather than get the "procedure" done, I just got TC pregnant instead!!  There is nothing I won't do to get out of a medical procedure!!

I'm teasing of course, but even though TC and I didn't want or plan to have a baby, we are thrilled none the less.

I love being a father.  My 3 children have brought so much joy to my life (mostly) and I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

My only regret is that I have not been able to raise them.  Don't get me wrong, I am still a part of their lives, and I'd like to think a big part, but I'm not there on a day to day basis.

I desperately wanted that - I never wanted to be a "weekend Dad".

And now, thanks to TC, I will have the chance to be an everyday Dad!

We've already picked a name for our little girl - Natalie Jewel.  While we were initially convinced we were having a boy, it's probably for the best that we're not - he would have been named Andre the Giant.

I'm teasing.  Again.

I can't thank TC enough.  Making me a father again is the greatest gift she could have ever given me.  It's the greatest joy she will bring to my life.

My promise to TC is this - I will always be a good Daddy.  I will love Natalie with all my heart.  I will bath her.  I will change her diapers.  I will get up in the middle of the night and feed her.  I will kiss her boo-boo's better.  I will do her hair.  I will let you fix her hair after I've done it.  I will read her stories.  I will have tea parties with her.  I will take her to soccer practice, or dance class, or swimming lessons, or hockey.  I will help her with her homework.  I will teach her to dream big.  I will teach her right from wrong.  I will teach her to stand up for herself.  I will teach her to be confident.  I will teach her to help others.  I will teach her how to say no when boys ask her out.  I will let her know that she can always count on her Daddy.

I read somewhere once that the greatest gift a father can give his child is to love their mother.  If that is true, then Natalie will receive that greatest gift everyday of her life.  After all, I have to set a good example her, so that she grows up knowing what true love really is.

The Football Player and The Cheerleader

Once upon a time there was a Football Player.  He was a giant!  He was strong and determined, yet kind and gentle.

And then there was a Cheerleader.  She was beautiful and smart.  Caring and trusting.

The Football Player lived an extraordinary life, hobnobbing with professional athletes and rockstars before he finally settled into a life in business.

The Cheerleader travelled a more traditional path, choosing to raise a beautiful family instead.

Although the Football player was a Giant, and the Cheerleader was tiny, they had more in common than they ever would have known.

While The Football Player had lead an exciting life, and The Cheerleader's family provided her more love than any one person would ever need - eternal happiness had eluded them both.

 

This is not to suggest that either The Football Player or The Cheerleader were unhappy, simply that they were unfulfilled.

 

The Football player had been married twice - and had tried desperately to make his marriages work.  The first couldn't survive the ocean that separated them.  The second didn't survive her extra-marital affair.

The Cheerleader had also been married twice - and she too worked tirelessly in vain to honour her vows.  But her first husband was a drunk, and her second husband was a liar.

Both The Football Player and The Cheerleader became champions of lost causes, working diligently to rescue and fix the hopeless lovers losers who had crossed their paths.

It was frustrating, and painful for their friends and families to watch them continually spiral into an abyss of despair.

That is until the day hope arrived at their doorsteps in the form of a man.

This man, some may even say a hero, was ready to rescue these two hapless souls.  He was ready redirect their life's journey, and put it on a path to redemption.

Tonight, The Football Player and The Cheerleader will meet for the first time.  Tonight, a fresh new seed of love will be planted. 

Over the coming week's, this seed will grow roots, and a new love will bloom.  This love will be stronger and more beautiful than either of them have ever experienced or could have imagined.

Starting tonight, The Football Player and The Cheerleader will experience love as it should be - exciting and wonderful, beautiful and breathtaking.  It will be a fairy tale love.

They will live Happily Ever After.

My Mother's Racist Animals

My Mother has 3 animals at home - a little black poodle, a little black cat, and a blonde goldendoodle (who is a MONSTER sized dog).

She started out with Jake, the little black poodle.  There are no two ways around it, Jake was (and still is) a little spoiled puppy.

After my Mom and I got a house together, the kids and I decided we would surprise her with a kitten.  And surprise her we did!  We went to our local SPCA and adopted a little black kitten named Jynx.

To our surprise, Jake and Jynx instantly bonded.  They ate together, they slept together, and they played together.  They were inseparable. 

The two of them would have their crazy hour (usually in the evening) and chase each other all over the house!  And it wasn't a one way relationship - they would take turns being the chaser and the chasee.  Yep, they were bestest buds!

And then, we introduced Jack into the fold.  Jack was my idea.  A number of years ago I dated a woman who had a goldendoodle.  After the relationship fizzled, I found myself missing her terribly - the dog that is, not the woman.

So, with my heart still longing for a goldendoodle of my own, my Mom and I decided to adopt one - we named him Jack.

Crazy hour was about to get crazier!  Except, Jake and Jynx didn't take to Jack at all (I know, I know, Jack, Jake and Jynx - what can I say, we weren't really thinking). 

All Jack wanted to do was play with the little black puppy and kitty.  But they wanted nothing to do with him.  It was actually kind of surprising because when we would take Jake for a walk, he wanted to greet and play with every dog he came across.  We thought adding another playmate in the house would have been a dream come true.

Wrongo!

Poor Jack.

When my Mom and I broke up (it was an amicable break up), and TC and I moved in together, we adopted Doc, a tiny little blonde cockapoo.

Now, we thought perhaps the reason Jake and Jynx didn't want to play with Jack is because they were intimidated by his sheer size.  However, when we visit my mom, we often bring Doc with us, and they don't want to play with him either!

Doc and Jack desperately try to include Jake and Jynx in their rowdy animal play, but it's a fruitless effort, the two little black animals have zero interest.

It's not that Jake and Jynx don't want to play, I mean, they still love to play with each other. 

There can only be one explanation for this - Jake and Jynx are racist.  That's right, racist.  They simply aren't interested in playing with the white animals! 

Buggers.

Stories from 2010: Boy Meets Girl

2010 was an up and down year for me.  Of course, you've already read about 3 of the lowest moments from last year - now, you get to read about the highlight!

2010 was the year I met "The One".  Or as she is known to her co-workers, "TC".  I will need to come up with a nickname for her in my blogs, but for now, we'll just go with TC.

So, how do I know she's The One??  Well, when you know, you just know.  Right from our first date, walking along the beach eating ice-cream (I know, total cliche), I knew TC was a special woman.

First, she was willing to start seeing me even though I was unemployed at the time.  I think most women tend to run from an unemployed bum guy, but not TC.  I kind of figured she just couldn't resist me.  I mean, c'mon , it's ME for cryin' out loud - job or no job, I'm friggin' irresistible!  Excuse me while I pull my tongue out of my cheek.

However, as it turns out, TC simply doesn't judge people by their circumstances which is one of the things I love about her.

However, you probably want to know how it all started so that you know how you can find your own Screaming Meanie and/or TC.  Well, our passionate love affair began with baseball.  Yes, baseball!

I manage a co-ed baseball team, and after our 2009 season, 6 of the 7 girls on my ball team weren't coming back - some couldn't return, others just weren't being invited back.

Anyway, I put out a call for new teammates, and TC's sister (who I went to high school with) said her and her husband (who is now her ex-husband) wanted to play.  A short time later she messaged me and said her sister wanted to play too.

That kind of surprised me.

I didn't know TC in high school - the year she started grade 9 was the year I was graduating grade 12.  However, over the years, I had seen her hanging around her sister's Facebook profile and I was certain she had spotted me there once or twice too.

Not long after spotting her on Facebook, I had run into TC a couple of times at Tim Horton's and introduced myself as her sister's friend.  She was......underwhelmed.  In fact, it almost felt like she was seriously annoyed that I was pointing out our almost-kinda-sorta-relationship-by-association.

So yes, I was a wee bit surprised that she wanted to play on my baseball team.  After all, she didn't really like me.  Right?

However, after she registered to be on the team we became Facebook friends, and as you know, you're not really friends with anybody until you're friends with them on Facebook.  So, ergo, we were almost best buds.  Practically.  Sort of.

The very first thing that struck me, was how much she talked about baseball on her profile!!  Players, teams, games, strategies......this wasn't someone who was a casual fan.....TC was hardcore about her Blue Jays!

She was at the Jays home opener and she posted pictures.  I nervously posted comments.  Nervous because even though we were Facebook friends, I still wasn't sure if she liked me, or if she just added me in order to get a better spot in the batting order.  I certainly didn't want to annoy her any further, but a girl who likes baseball - how do I stumble across an opportunity like this and not take a shot?

So we conversed for a wee bit via Facebook, commenting on pics, status updates etc.

And then, the season started.

Let me tell you, I had no idea, but TC is the Babe Ruth of co-ed baseball!!  By "Babe" I mean she is freaking hot, and by "Ruth" I mean..........SHE IS FREAKING HOT!

During one of our games, her sister casually dropped the bomb - TC recently became single!!  The problem was, the guy she had just dumped was unemployed.  Yikes!  There was no way TC was going to want to get involved with another unemployed bum guy was there??  Probably not.  But.......

I increased the amount of Facebook conversations I was having with TC.  We flirted, we talked baseball, and we talked about my job search.  In fact, I was updating her constantly on my job interviews, prospects and results.  I wanted her to know that I wasn't an unemployed bum, I was simply a victim of bad circumstances.  Circumstances, that I was proactively looking to change.

So after lengthy discussions about baseball, kids, past relationships and Star Wars (oh yeah, in addition to baseball, TC loves Star Wars too!), I slyly let her know that if I had a job, I would love to take her out on a date.  TC sent me the following message.......

Well now that you know everything there is to know about me we'll have to go out lol. So hurry up and get a job...although apparently that doesn't matter to me hahaha. Just remember I'm a low maintenance girl. I don't need much.

Since I'm a strong manly man I don't mind admitting the following - my heart soared!!  I think I may have jumped around like a lovestruck teenage girl.....but there's a chance that might have just been gas.

And with that, our first date was set - ice cream and a walk along the beach.  I wish I could have done a nice dinner, however, being unemployed, my budget didn't allow for it.

Since that first date, we haven't looked back!  From the start we were seeing each other almost every day and very quickly we fell madly in love.  And it's not just me - my family adores her!  My kids love her, my Mom thinks the world of her, and my brother and sister really think I've hit a homerun with TC.  I agree.

I love that I can be myself around TC.  I don't have to be perfect all the time, she accepts my flaws and embraces them.  I can be silly when I want (which is often), lazy if I need to be, when I'm grumpy she tries to cheer me up, and she is very liberal in doling out affection.

The thing I love most about TC (not counting any of the dirty stuff) is that she makes me laugh every day.  And that's not just talk, or an exaggeration, she literally says or does something every single day that makes me laugh hysterically!

She's my lover, my friend, and my muse. She supports every crazy whim I have and I feel there's nothing I can't accomplish with TC by my side.  I'm truly becoming a better man because of her.

I really have struck gold with her.  I can't imagine my life without her in it, nor do I want to.  We now live together and are in the process of purchasing a house.  Things are quickly getting very for exciting for us, and I can't wait to share every adventure, every challenge, and every waking moment with her.  I love her to death, and sometimes, I still have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

 

Stories from 2010: 24 Hours of Hell

I have a few stories to share from 2010, and since I don't really feel like posting one of those lame "2010 review" narratives, you're going to get them individually in easy to chew bite size pieces.  And really, each of the tales deserves their own post anyway, so, buckle up and enjoy the first entry!

The first of these such posts goes back to March 15th-16th of 2010.  A period of time I like to call - 24 Hours of Hell!

March 15th - You're Fired!

Losing a job is never easy.  Losing a job you love is downright devastating!  And that, is exactly the event that started my 24 Hours of Hell.

Working out of a satellite office, I was in charge of sales for a local IT company.  I worked with great people (in my opinion the best in the industry) and really enjoyed my work.  The President of the company was someone who I admired greatly, and to this day is the best person I have ever worked for.  Anyone, myself included, that worked for him, would have stood in traffic for him - he was that good!

Yes, it was a little odd seeing him in our office on a Monday morning, but I had no reason to suspect that anything was amiss.  That is, until he and the owner of the company strolled into my office. 

I knew immediately what was going on.  I had been downsized once before, and when you're immediate manager AND the HR Manager and/or owner show up in your office, it's not good news.

I was told the company wanted to try a new approach to sales, to go in a "different" direction.

Look, I'm not stupid, I knew what was going on.  Sales weren't where they should have been.  I was not the sales rock star that I had been in the past.  I was representing a premium product that was designed to improve quality of service, and ease IT pains. 

However, premium service comes with a premium price tag - and I joined the company just a few months before the recession hit.  So I was trying to convince companies to increase their IT expenditures in an environment when most companies were looking to cut costs.

It wasn't an impossible task, as I did have a lot of success, but it was certainly a difficult task.

And in the end, it cost me a job that I loved dearly.

I packed up my things, said goodbye to a few people, and sat in my car for what seemed like hours - I was numb from the shock.

The company, first class right to the end, sent me away with a nice parting gift, and gave me a glowing recommendation.  It still sucked losing that job, but they honestly did what they could take away the bitter sting of pain.

I miss the whole gang.

March 16th - The Gold Digger

Ever dated someone, and thought that they seemed pretty nice, only to find out that they weren't the person you thought they were??  Of course, we all have.  What sucks is that I always thought I was a better judge of character than that!

To keep a long story short, I had dated a girl we'll call, mmmmmmm, The Gold Digger a few years back.  She was a single Mom of 4 kids (yeah, I know), and things were going fairly well.  That is until the ex-Future Mrs. Meanie had one of her many "epiphanies" and I went running back like a puppy dog.  Fast forward a few years, and The Gold Digger tracks me down on Facebook.  We hooked up again, went out a few times, and everything seemed to be going well yet again.

On the day I lost my job, she texted me and told me her kids would be with their Dad for one more night, and suggested I should go over to her house.  What am I gonna say, no??  So, the plans were set.  Until, I lost my job.  I'm sure you'll appreciate that I wasn't really in a hang out and make small talk kind of mood, so I begged out of our date.

The next morning I get a message on Facebook from her that says she's sorry, but she can't get involved with anyone because she's still not over the death of her Father (who had passed away 18 months before this).

Say what?!??

So let's see, we have a single Mom of 4 kids, who doesn't work, who's only source of income is child support, she finds me, I have a good job, and she thinks, ka-ching!  And the day after her new source of income loses his job, she cuts bait??

Hey, I'm not mad that she did it (it was way too early for me to form any kind of emotional attachment to her), I just couldn't believe how transparent she was about it!  Plus, it does make the whole 24 Hours of Hell story all that much better tell!

So now I've lost a job, and I've lost a girl!  What else could possibly go wrong??  Read on my friends...... 

March 16th - Go Directly to Jail, Maybe

If you're family is anything like mine, you all get along, you all love each other, and you all look out for one another.  Mostly.

And, you have a Black Sheep in your family.

On this day, the Black Sheep in our family was in rare form.

She came to the house itchin' to pick a fight with my Mother.  And how do I know this?  Because the Good Sister also happened to be at the house for a wee visit and Black Sheep Sister admitted it to her!  The problem was, the Black Sheep Sister didn't know I was home (she was unaware that I had lost my job).

You see, in my family, everyone is afraid of the Black Sheep Sister.  Everyone except me that is - C'mon, I'm the Screaming Frickin' Meanie, I'm not afraid of anything, except maybe the dentist.....but I'm working on that.

Anyway, the Black Sheep Sister is loud, obnoxious, and will yell, scream and/or cause a scene to get what she wants - and yes, she's a grown up......ish.  Plus, she's a master of the guilt trips.  However, I am immune to her tantrums.

She had stopped in to ask my Mother to babysit her kids on the weekend knowing full well that my Mom couldn't.  And that's when all hell broke loose.

Of course, being the superhero in the house, I immediately sprung into action!  I asked her to leave.  She refused.  Then she started getting all up in my grill about being a "Mama's boy".  Yeah, I just worked "all up in my grill" into a blog post and it felt freaking awesome!!

I knocked a coffee cup out of her hand, she retrieved it, and before throwing it at me, she rolled up the rim just to make sure she wasn't throwing away a winner (it was during the "Roll up to Win" campaign at Tim Horton's).

I then grabbed her sunglasses and threw them to the end of the lawn and told her to get lost.  I know that wasn't very mature, but it seemed like a better idea than wrestling my sister off the property. 

She tossed a few more colourful metaphors my way, got in her car, and left.

I thought that was the end of another lively episode with The Black Sheep.  She'd bitch and moan about how no one in the family loves her, and nobody cares enough to help her out, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

And then, the police show up at my door!!  My sister wanted to charge me with assault!

I know, my own God Damn sister wants to send me to jail.

It seems that she told the cops that I took her to the ground and was beating on her and the only reason I stopped was because my 12-year old nephew pulled me off!!

Are you kidding me?!?  Really??  Was I being punk'd??  Is that show even still on??

My sister has made up some creative lies in her life - but this one takes the cake!  How in the name of the baby Jesus did she ever think she would get away this fabricated tale??  My Mom and the Good Sister were standing right there and saw the whole thing!  Or should I say the whole nothing??

Well, the officers believed our side of the story as they didn't take me away in cuffs, but, that doesn't seem to matter to the Black Sheep Sister who will tell anyone who listen that her big brother beat the crap out of her.

*sigh*

I wonder what convinced the cops that I was telling the truth.  Was it the corroborating account that my Mom and the Good Sister gave?  Was it the fact that there were no marks or bruises anywhere on the Black Sheep Sister??  Or was it the ludicrous tale that her 90lb son pulled her enraged 250lb brother off of her??

I'm not sure, but let that be a lesson to everyone out there, if you're going to try to charge someone with assault, make sure they actually, you know, assault you.

When the cops left, I wasn't just closing the door behind them, I was closing the door on a very eventful 24 hours that will forever be known as, The 24 Hours of Hell.

Pants On The Ground

Last weekend I was out at a club and saw some of the dumbest looking people I have ever seen.

First, let me make it clear, I wasn't at the club because I was having a "hey-I'm-single-now-so-I-have-to-hit-a-club-and-find-a-new-woman-fast" moment - that's what dating sites are for (and that is a blog post unto itself). No, I was there to celebrate the 40th birthday of a childhood friend.

If you've ever been to a club, and I'm assuming most of you have, then you know exactly what the atmosphere was like - music playing at an ear-splitting decibal, people packed in so tight you couldn't pick your nose without bumping into somebody, and lots and lots of alcohol was flowing generously around the bar.

However throughout the night, I couldn't help but wonder, have we learned nothing from General Larry Platt??

If you don't know who General Platt is, he is the dude who sang the song, Pants on the Ground, during an American Idol audition a few weeks back. The gist of the song is that young men today look like fools with their "hats turned sideways and their Pants on the Ground".

Well the club I was at was full of these dumb asses and most of them were out on the dance floor. It was clear that they were having a good time (with their hats turned sideways), but they really should have thought twice before doing whatever it was they were trying to pass off as dancing - they just looked ridiculous!

But then again, what do I know?? Not only did the young women of the club seem to be impressed by the Tom Foolery (isn't it great when you can work "Tom Foolery" into a blog post?), but they actually seemed to be attracted to these dougheads!

*sigh*

There can only be two explanations - a) the women are young and still haven't figured out what a man is yet (I believe the correct term is "naive"), or b) and this is far more likely, the girls were so fueled with alcohol that even this guy would have looked great shaking his ass out on the dance floor! Actually, a couple of the guys actually looked like him!

Yeah, yeah, I know - you're going to remind me that when I was young, I had long hair and looked pretty goofy too. Well, you'd be half right.

Yes I had long hair, but we did it to look tough. Whether it worked or not, who knows. But these young men today don't look tough at all - they just look STUPID!! Lookin' like fools with their Pants on the Ground!