Stories from 2010: Doc

Most of the really good stuff that happened in 2010 happened in the second half.

For example, in October, I moved in with TC.  And anyone who is anyone knows that when you move in with a girl, you have to celebrate!  Who are TC and I to thumb our noses at tradition?   So, how did we celebrate??  We got a puppy of course!!

But not just any puppy.  We researched, and researched, and researched to make sure we'd find the perfect puppy.  Well, mostly it was TC doing the research - but I did a TON of listening!

I wanted a BIG man size dog, while TC wanted a little bite sized dog.  We compromised and decided we'd go with a mid-size model - a Cockapoo.  Technically, the Cockapoo is a little on the small size, but what can I say, TC has this look she gives me that is irresistible - I sigh, then I curse, then I give in.  What are you gonna do?

I digress.  If you have a dog, then you already know that the hardest thing about getting a new puppy is picking the perfect name.  TC and I are both big Blue Jay fans, but somehow "Roy Halladay" seemed like a completely inappropriate name for a dog.  So we gave him Halladay's nickname - Doc!





Doc-a-poo the Cockapoo!  Clever, I know.

Aside from the occasional accident in the house Doc has been a great pet.  And by "occasional" I mean, "almost every fricken' day"!! 

Yes, house breaking this beast of an animal has been our biggest challenge.  Why relieve yourself outside in the cold when you can hold it and go in the comfort of a nice warm house??  When people ask me what kind of dog he is, I tell them he's a "Cockapoo-all-over-the-house"!!

But even though I want to kill him half the time - he really is my bestest animal bud!  I've loved animals before, but I didn't think it was possible to love a dog this much.

He loves loves loves TC.  It doesn't matter where she is, he has to lay on her!  He loves her lap, her legs, the crook of her arm, heck, he even lays on her head sometimes!  And a woman with a puppy on her head is damn sexy!

But, he does love me too - he follows me around like, well, like a puppy dog.  He freaks out every time I leave the house, and while he'll lay beside me on the couch, or right at my feet - he won't lay on my lap the way he does with TC.  I was kind of getting a little self conscious about it, but then we learned it's a dominance thing - he views me as the Alpha Male.

That's right bitches.....I'm the Alpha Freakin' Male!  Mwuahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa! 

What can I say about the little guy?  Yes he has his faults, but we take the sweet with the sour.  He's a member of our family now, and he'll be with us for the rest of his life.  Getting this tiny puppy as TC calls him, was the best way we ever could have celebrated moving in together!

Random Thoughts.....

TC is in the other room playing Harry Potter Lego, and, not being a "gamer" myself, I thought I would take advantage of the situation and blog!  So, lucky you, here are some random thoughts that have been knocking around  my wee brain for the last little while.......

Why oh why do I continue to support The Toronto Maple Leafs?  After all, they haven't won the Stanley Cup in 44 years.  Heck, they haven't even given us anything to really cheer about since their improbable run in 1993. And now it looks like they're going to miss the playoffs for the sixth straight year!  This is supposed to be the mecca of hockey for cyrin' out loud!  Honestly, if I was married and my wife treated me this badly, I'd leave her!

If you blinked, you missed the Mike Napoli era in Toronto.  Last Friday the Blue Jays traded Vernon Wells to the Angels for Napoli and Juan Rivera and promptly flipped Napoli to the Rangers for sometimes closer Frank Francisco.  So the Jays now have 3 unreliable closers in their bullpen (Francisco, Octavio Dotel and Jon Rauch).  Not sure what Alex Anthopolous' game plan is, but oddly, I still trust him 100%.

Speaking of Vernon Wells, I was sad to see him go.  He's been my son's favourite player for 10 years.  Looks like the Mini-Meanie needs a new favourite player.  Hmmmmmm, might I suggest Kyle Drabek who should start the season as the number 4 starter in the rotation?

And speaking of the Mini-Meanie, he'll be celebrating his 14th birthday next week.  So here's an early shout out to the birthday boy.  Now, what to get him.........

Evil Russ is the freakin' man!  Just sayin'.

Steven Tyler as a judge on American Idol seemed kind of strange when it was announced, but it turns out, it's kind of cool.  He's certainly taking the sting out of losing Simon.

I finally got around to watching the Harry Potter movies.  TC and I plowed through the first 6 on DVD last week.  Here's how I'd rate them from best to worst - Prisoner of Azkaban, Half-Blood Prince, Philosopher"s Stone, Goblet of Fire, Chamber of Secrets, Order of the Phoenix.  I can't wait to see the next one.  I think there's a theater nearby that is still playing The Deathly Hallows Part 1, so TC and I are planning to go this Sunday.

 

Chris Medina is my new hero.  If you want to see why, click here.

Do we really need 4 weeks of American Idol auditions?? A couple of 2-hour episodes would suffice. Hollywood Week, the Semi-Finals, and Finals are the meat and potatoes of the show anyway.

I hate snow. I hate shovelling it. I hate driving in it. It seems like everyone I know is going somewhere sunny for a vacation over the next couple of months. I'm insanely jealous.

Selling a house is a little more stressful than I thought it would be.  Not sure I like it.  And I think I'm driving my real estate agent crazy.  Good thing she's a friend.  But if you're looking to buy or sell a house, I guarantee you won't find anyone better!  If you want to check her out, click here.

I discovered this past weekend that I can't dance. We fired up Just Dance 2 for the Wii at my Mom's this past weekend - I was a train wreck! But my kids had a good laugh.

When the hell is David Cook going to release his new album?? I'm starting to get impatient!

My daughter, my sweet sweet angel, is having a friend sleep over this weekend.  For the ENTIRE weekend.  Two pre-teen girls in my itty-bitty house for an entire weekend......perhaps I should stop blogging and start working on my eulogy??  God help me.

I have a new favourite word - Prolly.  As in, if I met you in a bar, I'd prolly kick your teeth in.

Stories from 2010: Boy Meets Girl

2010 was an up and down year for me.  Of course, you've already read about 3 of the lowest moments from last year - now, you get to read about the highlight!

2010 was the year I met "The One".  Or as she is known to her co-workers, "TC".  I will need to come up with a nickname for her in my blogs, but for now, we'll just go with TC.

So, how do I know she's The One??  Well, when you know, you just know.  Right from our first date, walking along the beach eating ice-cream (I know, total cliche), I knew TC was a special woman.

First, she was willing to start seeing me even though I was unemployed at the time.  I think most women tend to run from an unemployed bum guy, but not TC.  I kind of figured she just couldn't resist me.  I mean, c'mon , it's ME for cryin' out loud - job or no job, I'm friggin' irresistible!  Excuse me while I pull my tongue out of my cheek.

However, as it turns out, TC simply doesn't judge people by their circumstances which is one of the things I love about her.

However, you probably want to know how it all started so that you know how you can find your own Screaming Meanie and/or TC.  Well, our passionate love affair began with baseball.  Yes, baseball!

I manage a co-ed baseball team, and after our 2009 season, 6 of the 7 girls on my ball team weren't coming back - some couldn't return, others just weren't being invited back.

Anyway, I put out a call for new teammates, and TC's sister (who I went to high school with) said her and her husband (who is now her ex-husband) wanted to play.  A short time later she messaged me and said her sister wanted to play too.

That kind of surprised me.

I didn't know TC in high school - the year she started grade 9 was the year I was graduating grade 12.  However, over the years, I had seen her hanging around her sister's Facebook profile and I was certain she had spotted me there once or twice too.

Not long after spotting her on Facebook, I had run into TC a couple of times at Tim Horton's and introduced myself as her sister's friend.  She was......underwhelmed.  In fact, it almost felt like she was seriously annoyed that I was pointing out our almost-kinda-sorta-relationship-by-association.

So yes, I was a wee bit surprised that she wanted to play on my baseball team.  After all, she didn't really like me.  Right?

However, after she registered to be on the team we became Facebook friends, and as you know, you're not really friends with anybody until you're friends with them on Facebook.  So, ergo, we were almost best buds.  Practically.  Sort of.

The very first thing that struck me, was how much she talked about baseball on her profile!!  Players, teams, games, strategies......this wasn't someone who was a casual fan.....TC was hardcore about her Blue Jays!

She was at the Jays home opener and she posted pictures.  I nervously posted comments.  Nervous because even though we were Facebook friends, I still wasn't sure if she liked me, or if she just added me in order to get a better spot in the batting order.  I certainly didn't want to annoy her any further, but a girl who likes baseball - how do I stumble across an opportunity like this and not take a shot?

So we conversed for a wee bit via Facebook, commenting on pics, status updates etc.

And then, the season started.

Let me tell you, I had no idea, but TC is the Babe Ruth of co-ed baseball!!  By "Babe" I mean she is freaking hot, and by "Ruth" I mean..........SHE IS FREAKING HOT!

During one of our games, her sister casually dropped the bomb - TC recently became single!!  The problem was, the guy she had just dumped was unemployed.  Yikes!  There was no way TC was going to want to get involved with another unemployed bum guy was there??  Probably not.  But.......

I increased the amount of Facebook conversations I was having with TC.  We flirted, we talked baseball, and we talked about my job search.  In fact, I was updating her constantly on my job interviews, prospects and results.  I wanted her to know that I wasn't an unemployed bum, I was simply a victim of bad circumstances.  Circumstances, that I was proactively looking to change.

So after lengthy discussions about baseball, kids, past relationships and Star Wars (oh yeah, in addition to baseball, TC loves Star Wars too!), I slyly let her know that if I had a job, I would love to take her out on a date.  TC sent me the following message.......

Well now that you know everything there is to know about me we'll have to go out lol. So hurry up and get a job...although apparently that doesn't matter to me hahaha. Just remember I'm a low maintenance girl. I don't need much.

Since I'm a strong manly man I don't mind admitting the following - my heart soared!!  I think I may have jumped around like a lovestruck teenage girl.....but there's a chance that might have just been gas.

And with that, our first date was set - ice cream and a walk along the beach.  I wish I could have done a nice dinner, however, being unemployed, my budget didn't allow for it.

Since that first date, we haven't looked back!  From the start we were seeing each other almost every day and very quickly we fell madly in love.  And it's not just me - my family adores her!  My kids love her, my Mom thinks the world of her, and my brother and sister really think I've hit a homerun with TC.  I agree.

I love that I can be myself around TC.  I don't have to be perfect all the time, she accepts my flaws and embraces them.  I can be silly when I want (which is often), lazy if I need to be, when I'm grumpy she tries to cheer me up, and she is very liberal in doling out affection.

The thing I love most about TC (not counting any of the dirty stuff) is that she makes me laugh every day.  And that's not just talk, or an exaggeration, she literally says or does something every single day that makes me laugh hysterically!

She's my lover, my friend, and my muse. She supports every crazy whim I have and I feel there's nothing I can't accomplish with TC by my side.  I'm truly becoming a better man because of her.

I really have struck gold with her.  I can't imagine my life without her in it, nor do I want to.  We now live together and are in the process of purchasing a house.  Things are quickly getting very for exciting for us, and I can't wait to share every adventure, every challenge, and every waking moment with her.  I love her to death, and sometimes, I still have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

 

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

Let's face it, few things get our proverbial juices going quite like a good rivalry.

Leafs and Habs. Packers and Bears. Yankees and Red Sox. Ortiz and Shamrock. Ali and Frazier. Balboa and Creed. Kirk and Klingons. The Empire and The Rebel Alliance.  The U.S and The Soviet Union. Republicans and Democrats. Evolution and Creation.

But hands down, the greatest rivalry of all time is Boston Rob vs. Evil Russ.

And for those of you who truly appreciate a really good rivalry, today CBS confirmed probably the worst kept secret on the Internet - Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz will be back to participate in the upcoming season of Survivor.

Judging by the reaction on public forums and the blogosphere, a lot of people seem pissed that Rob and Russ are getting another shot (this will be Boston Rob's 4th time playing, and Evil Russ' 3rd time in 4 seasons). But I don't really give a shit about those people.  Just sayin'.

Boston Rob is one of the most loved players ever (especially by women), and Evil Russ is THE most polarizing figures ever to play the game.

They first crossed paths on Heroes vs. Villains where round 1 in their epic battle clearly went to Evil Russ.  Ok, maybe "epic battle" is a wee bit melodramatic, but damn, it sounded good didn't it?? 

Anyway, Russ planted the mother of all "Russell Seeds" and got Tyson to vote himself out, Jerry to switch her allegiance to him, and Coach to give up his man-crush on Rob.  All of this resulted in Evil Russ voting out Boston Rob and it was pure genius.

Could you imagine if they found themselves on Redemption Island together?? Now THAT would be must see TV!

Rob and Russ will each captain their respective tribes. There were rumours going around that they'll be immune from the vote until the merge, but methinks it's just that - a rumour. I can't see the producers giving them that kind of advantage over other the players (although selfishly, I wouldn't be opposed to the idea).

So that begs the question, how long can these two possibly last?? They will have HUGE targets on their backs right from the start. This is where the sly producers come in.

There are a large number of contestants this season who were recruited for the show (as opposed to auditioning) who hadn't ever watched an episode of Survivor.  They don't know Boston Rob or Evil Russ and aren't familiar with how they play the game - that could be the great equalizer.

I'm hoping they both last until the merge as I really like Boston Rob, and I LOVE Evil Russ - I love him in a manly kind of way of course (the kind where you don't cross any icky lines). 

And while I doubt it would ever happen, it would be great to see them set aside their differences and join forces - they would dominate the game like no one ever has.

Are you happy Rob and Russ are back??  Who do you think will last longer??  And will they remain mortal enemies, or will they combine their evil powers and produce Survivors first Super Villain??

JC's Top 5 - Movie Villains

In any movie, the hero is only as heroic as his nemesis is evil.  Far too many movies have been ruined because the antagonist was just plain lame.

With that in mind, here is my list of the 5 greatest movie villains of all time!

5. King Edward the Longshanks

 

Movie - Braveheart

Actor - Patrick McGoohan

What makes him the baddest man in England - Two words - Prima Nocta.  King Edward the Longshanks invoked Prima Nocta essentially giving English Lords sexual rights to Scottish women on the night they were married. 

Memorable Quotes:

The trouble with Scotland, is that it's full of Scots.

Bring me Wallace. Alive if possible, dead... just as good.

If we can't get them out, we'll breed them out.

(When Longshanks orders his archers to attack the Scots, one of his officers questions whether they will hit their own men or not) Yes... but we'll hit theirs as well. We have reserves. Attack.

4. Khan Noonien Singh

Movie - Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Actor - Ricardo Montalban

What makes him the baddest man in the Alpha Quadrant - In possession of a Starship and the most powerful weapon ever made (Genesis), Khan wasn't satisfied.  He still wanted to ruin Admiral Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise for marooning him on Ceti-Alpha Five.  It was ultimately his undoing, but it's refreshing to see a villain who isn't driven by power, money, lust or greed - but rather by good old fashioned revenge!

Memorable Quotes:

Ah, Kirk, my old friend, do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in space.

I've done far worse than kill you, I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her. Marooned for all eternity, at the center of a dead planet. Buried alive

Surely, I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral. I deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around, I mean to deprive you of your life.

3. Hans Gruber

Movie - Die Hard

Actor - Alan Rickman

What makes him the baddest terrorist in L.A. - Don't be fooled by his education and his ridiculously expensive tailored suits, Hans Gruber is cold and calculating.  He won't hesitate to kill you (I'm going to count to three....), thinks fast on his feet (Clay, Bill Clay...), and is absolutely ruthless (Shoot the glass).  When his best laid plans go awry (hello John McClane), he can improvise with the best of them.

Memorable Quotes:

When they touch down, we'll blow the roof, they'll spend a month sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, we'll be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent.

I am going to count to 3, there won't be a 4.  Give me the code.

I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way... so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life.

2. The Joker

Movie - The Dark Knight

Actor - Heath Ledger

What makes him the baddest man in Gotham - The Joker is just plain crazy.  A self proclaimed agent of chaos, he even had the mob on the run.  The makeup and the scars (do you wanna know how he got em'?) give him an alarming look, but it's his absolute disregard for life that makes him so dangerous.  Plus, The Joker had some of the best lines ever delivered in a motion picture! 

Memorable Quotes:

I believe whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you........stranger.

This city deserves a better class of criminal, and I'm going to give it to them.

Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was... a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not-one-bit. So - me watching - he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, "why so serious?" Comes at me with the knife... "Why so serious?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face!" And...Why so serious?

Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just... do things.

1. Darth Vader

Movie - Star Wars

Actor - David Prowse, James Earl Jones (voice)

What makes him the baddest man in the galaxy - From the very moment we were introduced to Darth Vader aboard the Tantive IV, it was clear he was no ordinary villain.  The very sight of Vader was terrifying - the mask, the breathing, and his sheer size.  And it wasn't just the Rebels that needed to be wary of Vader's temper, his own officers had very little room for error serving the Dark Lord - just ask Captain Needa or Admiral Ozzel.  However the piece de resistance, Vader tried to turn his own son to the dark side in order to further his agenda of taking over the galaxy!

Memorable Quotes:

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of The Force.

The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.

Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.

I am altering the deal, pray I don't alter it any further.

You don't know the power of the Dark Side!

No.  *I* am your Father.

Roberto Alomar - Hall of Famer

If you were even a casual fan of the Blue Jays in the early 90's, then it should come as no surprise that today, Roberto Alomar was elected to the Hall of Fame.

In just his second year of eligibility, he got into the Hall with an overwhelming 90% of the writers vote, which ranks among the highest of all time.

Robbie is easily the best position player that has ever suited up for the Jays (second place isn't even close) and it's nice to see him get his due.

Alomar was an integral part of the back-to-back World Series teams in 1992 and 1993.  His game tying homerun off Dennis Eckersley in the 92' ALCS is argued by some to be the most important hit in Blue Jays history (although I'll still go with Joe Carter's Series winning homerun in 93').

In addition to his two World Series Championships, Alomar was a 12-time All-Star, earned 10 Gold Gloves, 4 Silver Sluggers, and was named the ALCS MVP.

This is a great day for fans of the Jays as Alomar will be the first player elected to the Hall of Fame who will be inducted as a Blue Jay.

Congrats Robbie, you deserve it!

Stories from 2010: 24 Hours of Hell

I have a few stories to share from 2010, and since I don't really feel like posting one of those lame "2010 review" narratives, you're going to get them individually in easy to chew bite size pieces.  And really, each of the tales deserves their own post anyway, so, buckle up and enjoy the first entry!

The first of these such posts goes back to March 15th-16th of 2010.  A period of time I like to call - 24 Hours of Hell!

March 15th - You're Fired!

Losing a job is never easy.  Losing a job you love is downright devastating!  And that, is exactly the event that started my 24 Hours of Hell.

Working out of a satellite office, I was in charge of sales for a local IT company.  I worked with great people (in my opinion the best in the industry) and really enjoyed my work.  The President of the company was someone who I admired greatly, and to this day is the best person I have ever worked for.  Anyone, myself included, that worked for him, would have stood in traffic for him - he was that good!

Yes, it was a little odd seeing him in our office on a Monday morning, but I had no reason to suspect that anything was amiss.  That is, until he and the owner of the company strolled into my office. 

I knew immediately what was going on.  I had been downsized once before, and when you're immediate manager AND the HR Manager and/or owner show up in your office, it's not good news.

I was told the company wanted to try a new approach to sales, to go in a "different" direction.

Look, I'm not stupid, I knew what was going on.  Sales weren't where they should have been.  I was not the sales rock star that I had been in the past.  I was representing a premium product that was designed to improve quality of service, and ease IT pains. 

However, premium service comes with a premium price tag - and I joined the company just a few months before the recession hit.  So I was trying to convince companies to increase their IT expenditures in an environment when most companies were looking to cut costs.

It wasn't an impossible task, as I did have a lot of success, but it was certainly a difficult task.

And in the end, it cost me a job that I loved dearly.

I packed up my things, said goodbye to a few people, and sat in my car for what seemed like hours - I was numb from the shock.

The company, first class right to the end, sent me away with a nice parting gift, and gave me a glowing recommendation.  It still sucked losing that job, but they honestly did what they could take away the bitter sting of pain.

I miss the whole gang.

March 16th - The Gold Digger

Ever dated someone, and thought that they seemed pretty nice, only to find out that they weren't the person you thought they were??  Of course, we all have.  What sucks is that I always thought I was a better judge of character than that!

To keep a long story short, I had dated a girl we'll call, mmmmmmm, The Gold Digger a few years back.  She was a single Mom of 4 kids (yeah, I know), and things were going fairly well.  That is until the ex-Future Mrs. Meanie had one of her many "epiphanies" and I went running back like a puppy dog.  Fast forward a few years, and The Gold Digger tracks me down on Facebook.  We hooked up again, went out a few times, and everything seemed to be going well yet again.

On the day I lost my job, she texted me and told me her kids would be with their Dad for one more night, and suggested I should go over to her house.  What am I gonna say, no??  So, the plans were set.  Until, I lost my job.  I'm sure you'll appreciate that I wasn't really in a hang out and make small talk kind of mood, so I begged out of our date.

The next morning I get a message on Facebook from her that says she's sorry, but she can't get involved with anyone because she's still not over the death of her Father (who had passed away 18 months before this).

Say what?!??

So let's see, we have a single Mom of 4 kids, who doesn't work, who's only source of income is child support, she finds me, I have a good job, and she thinks, ka-ching!  And the day after her new source of income loses his job, she cuts bait??

Hey, I'm not mad that she did it (it was way too early for me to form any kind of emotional attachment to her), I just couldn't believe how transparent she was about it!  Plus, it does make the whole 24 Hours of Hell story all that much better tell!

So now I've lost a job, and I've lost a girl!  What else could possibly go wrong??  Read on my friends...... 

March 16th - Go Directly to Jail, Maybe

If you're family is anything like mine, you all get along, you all love each other, and you all look out for one another.  Mostly.

And, you have a Black Sheep in your family.

On this day, the Black Sheep in our family was in rare form.

She came to the house itchin' to pick a fight with my Mother.  And how do I know this?  Because the Good Sister also happened to be at the house for a wee visit and Black Sheep Sister admitted it to her!  The problem was, the Black Sheep Sister didn't know I was home (she was unaware that I had lost my job).

You see, in my family, everyone is afraid of the Black Sheep Sister.  Everyone except me that is - C'mon, I'm the Screaming Frickin' Meanie, I'm not afraid of anything, except maybe the dentist.....but I'm working on that.

Anyway, the Black Sheep Sister is loud, obnoxious, and will yell, scream and/or cause a scene to get what she wants - and yes, she's a grown up......ish.  Plus, she's a master of the guilt trips.  However, I am immune to her tantrums.

She had stopped in to ask my Mother to babysit her kids on the weekend knowing full well that my Mom couldn't.  And that's when all hell broke loose.

Of course, being the superhero in the house, I immediately sprung into action!  I asked her to leave.  She refused.  Then she started getting all up in my grill about being a "Mama's boy".  Yeah, I just worked "all up in my grill" into a blog post and it felt freaking awesome!!

I knocked a coffee cup out of her hand, she retrieved it, and before throwing it at me, she rolled up the rim just to make sure she wasn't throwing away a winner (it was during the "Roll up to Win" campaign at Tim Horton's).

I then grabbed her sunglasses and threw them to the end of the lawn and told her to get lost.  I know that wasn't very mature, but it seemed like a better idea than wrestling my sister off the property. 

She tossed a few more colourful metaphors my way, got in her car, and left.

I thought that was the end of another lively episode with The Black Sheep.  She'd bitch and moan about how no one in the family loves her, and nobody cares enough to help her out, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

And then, the police show up at my door!!  My sister wanted to charge me with assault!

I know, my own God Damn sister wants to send me to jail.

It seems that she told the cops that I took her to the ground and was beating on her and the only reason I stopped was because my 12-year old nephew pulled me off!!

Are you kidding me?!?  Really??  Was I being punk'd??  Is that show even still on??

My sister has made up some creative lies in her life - but this one takes the cake!  How in the name of the baby Jesus did she ever think she would get away this fabricated tale??  My Mom and the Good Sister were standing right there and saw the whole thing!  Or should I say the whole nothing??

Well, the officers believed our side of the story as they didn't take me away in cuffs, but, that doesn't seem to matter to the Black Sheep Sister who will tell anyone who listen that her big brother beat the crap out of her.

*sigh*

I wonder what convinced the cops that I was telling the truth.  Was it the corroborating account that my Mom and the Good Sister gave?  Was it the fact that there were no marks or bruises anywhere on the Black Sheep Sister??  Or was it the ludicrous tale that her 90lb son pulled her enraged 250lb brother off of her??

I'm not sure, but let that be a lesson to everyone out there, if you're going to try to charge someone with assault, make sure they actually, you know, assault you.

When the cops left, I wasn't just closing the door behind them, I was closing the door on a very eventful 24 hours that will forever be known as, The 24 Hours of Hell.