Behemoth Slays Gramma and Only Son

This past Friday I took my not-yet-elderly Mother Meanie and my not-yet-teenaged (thank God!) Kiddie Meanies to the "One Fun Wonderland". Canada's Wonderland is an amusement park located just north of Toronto and the kids had been waiting all summer to get there! Opening and closing the park (as we always do) makes for a long day - which can be verified by the blisters on my feet - but man is it ever worth it!

I thought it might be fun to share some of the highlights - or lowlights as it were - of our day with you.

No Guns Allowed

As we made our way to the entrance, we were required to pass through a metal detector. I suppose I feel safer knowing that the dumb ass gang-bangers out there can't bring their illegal guns to the park, but Jesus, how sad is it that at a family amusement park we need to have metal detectors??

*sigh*

Say What?

When you get on a ride, do you ever pay attention to the ride operators? You know, the people that tell you to keep your arms inside the ride, and to enjoy the rest of your day at Canada's Wonderland? I don't normally listen to them, but as our day wore on, I realized that there are only two types of ride operators - the ones that are auditioning for open mic night at Yuk Yuk's, and the ones who swallow the microphone before they speak!

To the former I can only say - DUDE. YOU. ARE. NOT. FUNNY.

As far as the latter goes, I'm not great at impressions, but here is my impression of the microphone-swallowing-ride-operator. Ahem. Buh-bah-muh-mah-mah. Mah-buh-ba-meth-beh-boh. Bah-buh-buh-mah-buh-buh-meth. Ma-buh-bah-moh-mah-Canada's Wonderland. If you can decipher that, you're a better listener than I.

Crack Scratch Fever

This should probably be saved for a 'Screaming Confession', but what the hell, I'll share it with you now - for the first couple hours we were at the park I had an incredibly itchy arse!! Yeah, you heard me right! It was the kind of itch that made me wish I didn't bite my nails. Luckily, I found the cure for an itchy arse - it's the Skyrider!! The Skyrider is a stand up roller coaster that has a wee little bicycle seat just incase. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), the g-forces created by this coaster pushes your butt down into the bicycle seat, where aside from doing temporary damage (I hope) to your crotch, removes any and all itches from your backside.

Drop Tower

Imagine being lifted over 230 feet in the air, only to be dropped back to the ground at over 100km/hr. Yes, it's a wee bit crazy. And a whole lot scary! My kids were fighting over who got to sit next to Dad on this ride, but as I told them, when you're at the top of the tower, the only person you'll want next to you is Jesus Christ!

Behemoth

If there is one ride more terrifying than Drop Tower, it's Behemoth! The first hill is a dizzying 230ft in height, drops at a 75 degree angle at 125 km/hr, and is absolutely mind blowing! Behemoth's first drop is so intimidating that it drained the courage meter of my Mother (who is afraid of nothing!) and my son who both bailed on the ride. My 11-year-old daughter however had no trouble taming the Behemoth.

Being the fearless ride warrior that she is, I told her I would give her $10 if she could keep her arms up all the way down the first hill. To my amazement, she did it. The second time we hit Behemoth, she offered to give me the $10 back if I would keep my arms up going down the first hill - I told her she could keep it!

Age Restriction

While most of the rides have a height restriction, I couldn't help but wonder if some of the rides should have had an age restriction. I'm not talking about restricitons for riding the rides, but rather operating them. Several times throughout the day our lines were delayed by operators who were poorly trained, attempting to be funny, not paying attention, or just plain old slow - you know, typical teenage stuff. But it's a wee bit scary to think that you're riding a roller coaster that cost millions of dollars to build, drops over 200 feet, and travels over 100km/hr, and yet it's being run by a group of kids who can't even drive a car!

Do Not Stand Up

Seriously, is this sign really necessary?

Rip off. Rip off. Rip off. Bargain!

I understand that everything costs more at Canada's Wonderland, but is it really necessary to rape us??? Seriously, we paid $62 for lunch - 2 cheeseburger combos and 2 chicken souvlaki combos. Rip off! We were going to get funnel cakes for a snack, but at $10.99 each, I couldn't justify the cost - Rip off! Everything is outrageously priced - food, t-shirts, mugs, stuffed animals, games, all rip offs!

However, amidst all the rip offs, we did manage to find a major bargain. The weather on Friday was unseasonably cool, and at one point a light rain started to fall. Luckily, Wonderland was having a clearance sale on windbreakers - are you ready for this?? Five bucks!! That's right, brand new windbreakers for five dollars. Hundreds of people - including the four of us - all took advantage of this rare CW bargain as we were all sporting our brand new VIP Cedar Fair windbreakers! I'm not sure, but methinks hell just froze over!

60 minutes, 7 rides!

Towards the end of the day, the crowds started to thin, and the line ups began to wane which was great news for us. Between 9:00 and 10:00pm we managed to squeeze in a mind blowing 7 rides! It started at 9:02pm with Thunder Run. From there we hit Vortex, The Bat, Wild Beast, Drop Tower, Dragon Fire and at 9:59pm, we were on Spinovator! Phew! I'm gettin' tired just thinking about that last hour.

All in all, it was a great day. The kids loved it. My Mom loved it. I loved it! Can't wait to go back again next year!